Here's Sammy

Here's some pics of new baby Sam with his brothers, Jake (7) and Jonny (3 1/2):

The pictures don't even begin to do his fat lil cheeks justice! Jake and Jonny are both enjoying being big brothers - Jake insists on sleeping in Sam's room so he can help out in the morning and Jon actually stole Sam from his crib and carried him to the living room to hang out with him (in the very early am, when everyone was sleeping). His parents had a minor heart attack at this, but it turned out that Jonny navigated the stairs well with a newborn - Sam didn't seem to mind at all and is completely unscathed. Still, his parents have made sure he won't do it again.

Sam is now 10 lbs 6 oz. He is getting longer and his head is getting bigger, so his chubby cheeks are thinning out a bit. When he was first born it seemed like his cheeks were actually preventing him from opening his eyes, but he's opening them a lot more now. Sara is also doing well - she looks fantastic, although sleep deprived. :)

nobody panic!

Except for me maybe? :)

My sense of humor seems to be in good form today, which is nice. I've spent days at a time in the last couple months without so much as a chuckle. I think I'll watch a comedy this afternoon.

What's happening:

-Our new nephew, Sam, is huge! He's got the cutest, fattest cheeks I've ever seen on a baby. He looks a lot like his brothers did at birth, just bigger. He's a cute little chunker. His two big brothers are very involved. Jake (7) actually sleeps in Sam's room so he can "help out." I don't think an atomic bomb could wake Jake up in the middle of the night, but it's a nice gesture. And he does help out in the mornings according to his Mom.

-My teeth have finally stopped hurting from the work I had done about three weeks ago...hooray for chewing! But I go back for more the week after next...eye yi yi!

-I actually went to the gym on yesterday, and then again today. Surprisingly, I'm enjoying it...so weird for me. I've discovered that if you read while you're on the treadmill or stationary bike that time just flies, so I've been checking out the chick magazines they have there. My concentration still isn't the best, but I can usually get through a couple pages about lipstick or fashion or face cream. I couldn't care less about any of these issues, but it does the job. I hit the pool today, but it turns out I can't swim freestyle in a straight line anymore! I don't like backstroke, have never properly coordinated my breaststroke, and will never have the abs for butterfly. So I tread water for a while and called it good.

-We had corned beef and cabbage at my Dad's house last night. It. Was. Awesome. I like visiting my Dad, but Joe had to push me out the door last night. We got into a discussion about my health. My Dad is a smart guy and is very science-y, but he absolutely positively does not understand mental illness. He doesn't get why I can't just will myself better, no matter how much I try to explain the chemical/physiological side of it all. I know it's how he expresses concern, but it's frustrating. Joe very smoothly geared us up to leave before I got upset.

-Our former landlords are trying to keep over half of our security deposit, so we're disputing that. Unfortunately for them they waited too long to give us our list of "damages" so they have to give it all back no matter what. Our settlement statement is dated 2/26 but was postmarked 3/12, which is more than beyond the 30 days they have to send us all this stuff. So they've essentially screwed themselves. We could have spray painted the walls and they'd STILL have to give it back to us. Even better, if they don't give it back to us we can take them to small claims court for double the amount. I'm a little surprised at their ignorance of these laws, but I suppose a lot of tenants don't dispute stuff like this so it's easy money for the landlords. Sad. I get all fired up about this kind of stuff (which isn't actually good, currently) and I'm going to the post office later to send them our dispute via certified mail. I love being right.

-Hmm. I'm not sure I have much else right now? We'll try tomorrow.

Update

All in all, this has been a pretty tolerable week...except for Tuesday:

On Tuesday, my PCP called and informed me that my pap smear was abnormal, so I've got to see a GYN on April 10th. The cells were positive for HPV, which I was a little taken aback by...actually, I was pissed (currently my most visited emotion). Never at Joe, just pissed...who knows when I was exposed to it, that's life. I called my sister and talked to her about it and felt better after word. I was totally freaked out at first, but I've discovered it's not worth it to be worried. The whole reason women have yearly paps is to catch stuff like this. On the 10th I guess we're testing to see what strains are there and then we treat from there. I'm starting the Gardasil series on the 1st, which I'm a little puzzled about. I'm going to trust my docs on this one.

I also saw my therapist and I'm always uneasy after that, but we established goals and a treatment plan. So that's good. After therapy I went to get my haircut. As she was starting the cut (she'd just made her first cut - 5 inches off the bottom) my psychiatrist's office called and said they'd had a cancellation and wanted me to come in....so Steph had to power cut my hair so I could get the the doc on time. It looked like total shit when I left the salon, as it was soaking wet and as it dried it got all puffy.

I was a mess at the psychiatrist's office. Rather than being relieved about getting in to see her, I was oddly nervous. I was either going to panic at any moment or I was tinkering on hypomania. I was scared about the inevitable medication adjustment - I can deal with my current side effects, but I am worried what different meds will bring. I was worried she'd put me on a benzo on a regular basis (instead of PRN), which I don't want because the risk of dependency is sooooo high. To say I was agitated is the understatement of the year. You could argue I shouldn't have been driving, both to and from her office. She decided to increase my anti-depressant and told me it was probably going to make me have more panic attacks before it levels out, which takes 6 weeks. Fan-fucking-tastic (excuse the language, I'm venting).

I disagree with her medication adjustment. I'm definitely still depressed, but the depression isn't currently ruling my life. Sure, it makes me feel like shit most of the time, but it's not TOTAL shit so I can handle it. It's the anxiety, irritability, agitation, inability to focus....my memory has gotten so bad that sometimes when I'm typing I forget what word I'm supposed to be spelling. I can't finish a task, I get so distracted that I'll be on the computer and suddenly have 1o tabs open in Mozilla, all of which are different subjects I suddenly NEED to look into. One could argue that these are all symptoms of depression, but since I feel like I've had 5 cups of coffee and can't keep up with my thoughts I would argue otherwise. Then I crash. I'm afraid the anti-depressant will make this worse.

But I didn't go to medical school so it's ultimately not my decision. As they say, the doctor that treats thine self treats a fool. So we start another 6 week trial and error process. I'm off for another month from work. The extra meds are giving me headaches, but they're manageable. I'm having some issues with the amount of medication I have to take (which is common) but I still take it all (perhaps no so common in BP patients). Mostly I'm bored, so I'm trying to find a hobby. I'm trying to be positive about getting better. I'm doing the right things and eventually the combo will work. Next week I'm going to try try try to start getting out of the house everyday and going to the "W" (community center) to start getting some regular exercise. I'm reading (slowly) a book on managing bipolar disorder. We're working on my anger in therapy. I'm trying to get into the habit of charting my moods. I'm trying, I want to get better, and I will. But I think my Tuesday could have knocked anyone on their ass.


Now, the good stuff!!!

Our newest nephew, Samuel David, has arrived!
He was born on March 13th at 4:38 pm via C-section.
He's 10 lbs 4 ounces, 21 inches long.
The doc barely got the word c-section out before Sam's Mom was signing the consent...they knew he was going to be a bog boy :)
We haven't been to see him since Joe's sick and I don't want to carry his bug into the OB unit, but we'll visit him at home later this week. I'll put some pictures up when I get some.
We now have 10 nephews, 2 nieces, and another niece on the way. Our siblings have been busy over the last 16 years :)

Joe's boss put in his notice on Friday, so Joe's job description changed quite a bit, as did his salary. He's been working his butt off and is getting recognized for it. I'm very proud of him!

Our claim for the car (I was in an accident a few weeks ago) is going to be covered under our broadform policy. Hooray for no deductibles!

It looks like we are going to be stuck up here for a couple few more months, but there are definitely some positives to this: I will probably be able to go to Kristy's bridal shower, we'll be able to spend more time with our families before we move so far away, and we'll be able to save more money while our rent is so cheap. Actually using our savings account makes me happy.

My hair, while looking horrible when I left the salon, actually turned out really well. I'm enjoying it.

So yeah, minus Tuesday, not a bad week. Perhaps this coming week will be even better!

Thursday already?

I had no idea that today was Thursday already, but that's what day my pill container said it was so it must be true. It's strange - I feel like the time I've had off from work has both flown by and dragged on, all at once.

Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Kroll for a follow-up. Monday is the end of the two week period she wrote me to be off, but I have a feeling she'll extend it tomorrow. I'd like to go back to work, but I don't want to go back only to have this happen all over again. Joe suggested that I shouldn't go back until I stop having such severe anxiety any time we go somewhere, such as grocery shopping or out to dinner. I'll admit that he has a point. There's also the fact that I really haven't had any time with my therapist and the fact that my hands still shake most of the time. All these arguments aside though, I really just want to function at a normal level again.

I'm running out of stuff to do during the day. I did a lot yesterday, but I was allllll over the place. The stuff that took me all day long to do could have been accomplished in about 2 hours, but I was far too scattered. Yesterday was a very anxious day, but I'm really starting to consider Dr. Moore's suggestion that these periods might be hypomania. But while I think the pieces might fit the symptoms of a hypomanic episode, that doesn't really put me any closer to controlling them. I'll have to do some reading on how to treat such mixed symptoms, as I'm already on a mood stabilizer. It occurs to me from time to time that I'm far too undereducated about bipolar disorder.

I haven't told my mother this yet, but I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to continue seeing my current psychiatrist. Other than the ones at MGH, there are literally no other psychiatrists in Marquette. The only private doctor recently joined the inpatient staff when Dr. Von Grief retired. That's right, the last name of the doc on the psych ward was grief. I always found that hilarious. Anyway, of the 4 doctors at MGH's behavioral health department, 2 of them are addiction psychiatrists. So I'm seeing one of the 2 adult psychiatrists, and I'm not interested in seeing the other one. She's far far far too conservative with meds - I've known many bipolar patients of hers that she hasn't even put on a mood stabilizer. Not gonna fly with me. But I don't think that Dr. Kroll will a) want to and b) really be able to manage my medications. She's a wonderful doctor, but she's a family practitioner, not a psychiatrist. Specialties exist for a reason.

So I'm back to not seeing a psychiatrist until the 17th. I'm currently not on the schedule at work and they won't put me on it until I tell them to do so. Even without a doctor's note saying I'm unable to work I'm on a personal leave of absence - up to 16 weeks, no questions asked. After I deplete my sick and vacation time however, I won't get paid unless I'm on STD, which requires the doctor thing. I understand that I need to be off work right now, but I'm worried that my STD claim will get denied. I don't know why - there's no reason for them to deny it. But sometimes, when I'm at home and seem to be functioning ok I feel like I'm playing the system. And then I do something like spill soup because my hands tremble too much to keep it on the spoon. In the end I think the problem is I hate admitting weakness, something we're sure to address in therapy.

Today I'm going to make my Grandma a birthday card and start harassing our old landlords about our surety because they still haven't given it back. We moved out on the 25th of January, so they've had way over their 30 days. I'm also going to work on getting the paperwork for Joe's medical records to be released to Dr. Kroll's office so he can get a physical. I don't think he's had one since he was in sports in high school and everyone should really have one every year or so. Our insurance covers it 100%, and while I'm sure that I'm making our insurance worthwhile (even though the mental health coverage sucks), he should use it too.

Something else I'm pondering since my physical on Monday is the HPV vaccination. The PA brought it up and we discussed whether or not it was something I should consider. She said I fell into a gray area - I'm in the "at risk" age group, but I'm also married. That being said though, I still have the whole STD panel run every time I have the exam. As I told the PA, I have absolutely no reason to think I'll get an STD, but I also don't want to be naive and be convinced that my life will always be perfect. Plus, our insurance pays for that too. Blue Cross Blue Shield isn't going to make a dime off our premiums! I'm fairly certain that Blue Cross will cover the Gardasil series as well, so why not? I'll have to do some reading and think about it.

It's 2 pm and I am exhausted. I spent the first 6 hours of my day seeing my new therapist and having my annual physical, both of which were uncomfortable and nerve-racking. It's gorgeous out and I should really take a walk, but all I want to do is veg out on the couch. That and I'd probably break every bone in my body - it's sooooo slippery outside because it rained last night.

The only word I can think of to describe my session with my new psychologist is predictable. He asked your standard "get to know your patient" questions, discussed goals, established the beginnings of a relationship, etc etc. I have no problem with this guy, don't get me wrong, but I miss my previous psychologist, Dr. Matthews. He was wonderful, but he retired. Such is life.

When I left his office I felt emotionally tired and bit upset about some of the things he told me. He said he didn't think I would meet my goal of sleeping without medication and that he thought I expected far too much of myself. I guess I knew he would say the latter, as I've been told that a million times, but I don't think he'll get me to lower my standards. Perhaps, however, he'll help me figure out healthier ways to meet them. He also asked if perhaps my anxiety was mania in disguise, which is something I'll have to think about.

As soon as I was done there I went to see the PA at Dr. Kroll's office (my PCP). I've heard some people aren't huge fans of the PA, but I love her. She's remarkably thorough and easy to talk to, even at the height of the awkwardness of a woman's annual physical. She went over my labs from last week, which were basically normal. My BUN and creatinine were on the low side, but nothing to be concerned with...I've always landed on the lower sides of the ranges for basic metabolic tests.

What she was concerned about was the 6 pounds I've lost since I was there last Monday, which I explained were due to my lack of appetite. She and the therapist asked me the typical eating disorder questions, but I gotta say I can't imagine ever bingeing or starving myself. I like food and hate throwing up wayyy too much to put myself through that. I simply do not have an appetite, thus I have to remind myself to eat. I suddenly find that it's 4 pm and all I've eaten is a bowl of soup. And unless I'm really into the food at hand (such as Joe's Mom's pie this weekend) I just am not hungry enough to eat a lot of it. I probably would have eaten an entire rack of ribs at the Lodge this weekend (once Joe convinced me to order them) but I was having a tough time not bursting into tears while we were there. That's kind of an appetite killer, ya know? But I'm working on it, now that I'm a little more aware of the problem. If all goes well I'll have those pounds gained back by my follow-up on Friday...not that I need them so much. :)

With the exception of the fact that I had some serious anxiety issues during dinner and for a while thereafter, Joe's parents visit was great. When we got home from dinner I went upstairs and waited for the xanax to kick in, and once it did I was 100% comfortable again and had a great evening with them. Joe's Dad had suggested that they go back to the hotel early, I think to give us some space because I wasn't feeling well, but Joe assured him it was ok to stay. I'm very glad they did so - I would have felt horrible if they'd left because of me and I genuinely had a good time with them once I calmed down. We were going to play some cards, but I probably would have zoned out staring at the queen or hearts or something, so we just vegged out. I hate how drugged I feel with the xanax, but I can't argue against it's effectiveness. It's a trade off I guess. We all had breakfast the next day and I was sad to see them go. We don't see them enough.

I've got to make a note on a couple good experiences I had today. First off, while I was at Dr. Kroll's, I saw in the hall and she asked me if the medical info form she filled out was ok for my STD claim, which it was. I could tell she wanted to ask me more, but she was on her way out the door to, get this: a house call. Who does those anymore? Dr. Kroll, that's who! I remember her coming to see my Grandma at home a lot.

Also, I went to the post office to mail a package to Crystal and I just love the guy that works at the office inside Brown's Store. It's the same one that was there when I was in high school. Despite his ridiculous shirt and tie combo (which I kind of found endearing) he's so cool! Very high energy, super helpful, the kind of guy you could stand at the window and chat with forever. I've forgotten how much I love the atmosphere and attitude at Brown's...it's a little gem that for which I'll never find a substitute.

That's it for today. I'm going to go make myself lunch (which, let's face it, is going to involve finishing off the pie) and then I think I'm going to allow myself to relax. My Mom called just as she was getting ready to order lunch at Applebees, so I told her to eat some for me. She told me to eat some bonbons for her. :)

PS - I've looked up what bonbons are! Actually, there are so many different kinds it's sort of confusing, but here's the top definitions:
-a ball of ice cream, about the size of a cherry, covered in chocolate
-a candy, the simplest being a sugar coated almond
-any confection with a fondant center, often with fruit or nuts, covered in fondant or chocolate, or any other confection consisting of a sweet centre covered by a loose sugar or flavoured coating

I dunno, it sounds to me like it's a catch-all for little bite sized thing that taste fricken awesome.

I can't remember the last time I was up, dressed, and ready for the day by 9:00 on a Saturday morning. But a schedule is a schedule!

It's absolutely beautiful outside this morning. It's sunny and we've gotten some fresh snow in the last 24 hours or so. Sunshine on fresh snow is always pretty. Harry loves the sunshine.

I guess I should mention who Harry is...when Joe's grandfather died last January we brought home a small plant that someone had sent for the funeral. Joe watered it and took care of it all winter and in the spring I set it out on our porch. Shortly thereafter, a strong gust of wind took the plant off the porch and onto the ground a story below. I think we both figured that the plant was a lost cause, so we left it. This summer, however, we found that the neighbors below us had set the plant upright and had been watering it. So it was still healthy and we brought it inside. Despite HayZeus's multiple attempts to destroy it and/or eat the leaves off of it, it was still kicking when we moved in with Dee. But just barely.

Dee and Matt immediately took the plant in and slowly nursed it back to health. When Matt was home during the day he would move the plant around to make sure it was in the sun at all times and Dee checked to see if it needed water every day when she got home. One day I came home and Joe, Dee, and Matt had decided to name the plant Harry (in honor of Joe's Grandpa). Since then Harry has had to be repotted and probably needs a bigger pot yet again. So Harry is healthy as can be and is basking in the sun this morning, as Matt has already moved him into the light of the window. That's Harry's story.

I spent the last tow days organizing, uploading, and printing out photos. When I went to pick some out to send to Crystal I found that our pictures from our wedding and honeymoon were very hard to navigate, so I reorganized them. I've also been promising to upload them onto a photo sharing site for months and months, so I did that as well. That took a day and a half, but they're all up there now. And I did manage to print off 10 or 15 photos to put in the package we're sending to Crystal. I'm a little peeved that it took me so long, but I'm glad it's done.

Last night Joe and I went to Marquette (the first time I've left the house for a reason other than to see a doctor) to grocery shop. There's a grocery store here in Gwinn, but unless you're only getting a handful of items it's totally worth the drive to Marquette. We ate and Big Boy and then went to Walmart and SuperOne. By the end of the excursion I was very unsettled and anxious, but I was able to use my medication to prevent myself from totally freaking out. That's how it's supposed to work.

I was very tired by the time we were done putting things away and such, in part I'm sure because the xanax knocks me out a bit. Although the doctor says it's fine so long as I don't take within the same half hour or so, I'm a little hesitant to put sleep medication on top of a benzodiazapine. Also, the last two days I've actually had to be woken by my alarm and was still sleepy, so I thought perhaps I could get away with taking less of the sleep meds. I was wrong. I was up at 4:30 this morning staring at the ceiling for a long time. I think I finally fell back to sleep around 7 or so, only to hear my alarm at 8. Oh well, at least I tried.

Joe's parents are coming up today. I'm excited to see them, but I'll admit I'm a pretty nervous about it. I don't like being around my own parents when I'm like this, let alone Joe's. Still, we haven't seem them since Christmas and it will be nice to spend some time with them. Hopefully my nerves will subside and I won't have to be medicated all day...but even if I am it will be good to see them. I have no idea what we're going to do all day though. We're going to dinner at the Up North Lodge, which has phenomenal food (I used to work there) and I'm hoping I'll be able to handle the busy atmosphere of the restaurant. We've also invited my Dad and Teri to join us. This adds to my nervousness, but I'm sure it'll work out.

I've found that when I've been home these last couple days I'm much more relaxed than I was even earlier this week. I get crabby and pissy from time to time, but I'm not nearly as on edge. I have absolutely no appetite and frequently realize it's 4pm and all I've had is a bowl of soup when Joe was home for lunch. I'm fairly certain I've lost 5 pounds in the last few days and I know that's not water weight because I drink about 80+ ounces of water a day. The two major side effects I get from my meds are excessive sweating and dry mouth, but I think the dry mouth is mostly because I'm dehydrated from sweating so much (Yes, I really sweat that much). I've got a prescription antiperspirant that's helped a bit, but I still sweat through my shirt a couple times a day.

On Saturdays we have coffee hour (or two) - Dee, Laura (sister in law), and my sister congregate for coffee. This weekend it's at our house, which is exciting because I get to participate. I don't like going to Missy's because they smoke in the house and it bothers me and my lungs a lot. So I should go, because the coffee's on and Missy and the kids will be here soon.

PS - Ben and Jerry's was stillll on sale at Walmart last night, so we got more. Maybe I can gain those 5 pounds back in ice cream.