It's 2 pm and I am exhausted. I spent the first 6 hours of my day seeing my new therapist and having my annual physical, both of which were uncomfortable and nerve-racking. It's gorgeous out and I should really take a walk, but all I want to do is veg out on the couch. That and I'd probably break every bone in my body - it's sooooo slippery outside because it rained last night.

The only word I can think of to describe my session with my new psychologist is predictable. He asked your standard "get to know your patient" questions, discussed goals, established the beginnings of a relationship, etc etc. I have no problem with this guy, don't get me wrong, but I miss my previous psychologist, Dr. Matthews. He was wonderful, but he retired. Such is life.

When I left his office I felt emotionally tired and bit upset about some of the things he told me. He said he didn't think I would meet my goal of sleeping without medication and that he thought I expected far too much of myself. I guess I knew he would say the latter, as I've been told that a million times, but I don't think he'll get me to lower my standards. Perhaps, however, he'll help me figure out healthier ways to meet them. He also asked if perhaps my anxiety was mania in disguise, which is something I'll have to think about.

As soon as I was done there I went to see the PA at Dr. Kroll's office (my PCP). I've heard some people aren't huge fans of the PA, but I love her. She's remarkably thorough and easy to talk to, even at the height of the awkwardness of a woman's annual physical. She went over my labs from last week, which were basically normal. My BUN and creatinine were on the low side, but nothing to be concerned with...I've always landed on the lower sides of the ranges for basic metabolic tests.

What she was concerned about was the 6 pounds I've lost since I was there last Monday, which I explained were due to my lack of appetite. She and the therapist asked me the typical eating disorder questions, but I gotta say I can't imagine ever bingeing or starving myself. I like food and hate throwing up wayyy too much to put myself through that. I simply do not have an appetite, thus I have to remind myself to eat. I suddenly find that it's 4 pm and all I've eaten is a bowl of soup. And unless I'm really into the food at hand (such as Joe's Mom's pie this weekend) I just am not hungry enough to eat a lot of it. I probably would have eaten an entire rack of ribs at the Lodge this weekend (once Joe convinced me to order them) but I was having a tough time not bursting into tears while we were there. That's kind of an appetite killer, ya know? But I'm working on it, now that I'm a little more aware of the problem. If all goes well I'll have those pounds gained back by my follow-up on Friday...not that I need them so much. :)

With the exception of the fact that I had some serious anxiety issues during dinner and for a while thereafter, Joe's parents visit was great. When we got home from dinner I went upstairs and waited for the xanax to kick in, and once it did I was 100% comfortable again and had a great evening with them. Joe's Dad had suggested that they go back to the hotel early, I think to give us some space because I wasn't feeling well, but Joe assured him it was ok to stay. I'm very glad they did so - I would have felt horrible if they'd left because of me and I genuinely had a good time with them once I calmed down. We were going to play some cards, but I probably would have zoned out staring at the queen or hearts or something, so we just vegged out. I hate how drugged I feel with the xanax, but I can't argue against it's effectiveness. It's a trade off I guess. We all had breakfast the next day and I was sad to see them go. We don't see them enough.

I've got to make a note on a couple good experiences I had today. First off, while I was at Dr. Kroll's, I saw in the hall and she asked me if the medical info form she filled out was ok for my STD claim, which it was. I could tell she wanted to ask me more, but she was on her way out the door to, get this: a house call. Who does those anymore? Dr. Kroll, that's who! I remember her coming to see my Grandma at home a lot.

Also, I went to the post office to mail a package to Crystal and I just love the guy that works at the office inside Brown's Store. It's the same one that was there when I was in high school. Despite his ridiculous shirt and tie combo (which I kind of found endearing) he's so cool! Very high energy, super helpful, the kind of guy you could stand at the window and chat with forever. I've forgotten how much I love the atmosphere and attitude at Brown's...it's a little gem that for which I'll never find a substitute.

That's it for today. I'm going to go make myself lunch (which, let's face it, is going to involve finishing off the pie) and then I think I'm going to allow myself to relax. My Mom called just as she was getting ready to order lunch at Applebees, so I told her to eat some for me. She told me to eat some bonbons for her. :)

PS - I've looked up what bonbons are! Actually, there are so many different kinds it's sort of confusing, but here's the top definitions:
-a ball of ice cream, about the size of a cherry, covered in chocolate
-a candy, the simplest being a sugar coated almond
-any confection with a fondant center, often with fruit or nuts, covered in fondant or chocolate, or any other confection consisting of a sweet centre covered by a loose sugar or flavoured coating

I dunno, it sounds to me like it's a catch-all for little bite sized thing that taste fricken awesome.