validation

While I wouldn't have believed it possible last Thursday, I've managed to survive a colposcopy. I was crampy and sorta sore on Friday, but I've had worse. Yesterday the doctor's office called to tell me the results of the biopsies weren't anything to be concerned about.

I asked the nurse to have Dr. Pond call me personally at her convenience because I think it's important that someone know how uniformed I was. I didn't even receive aftercare instructions, so if I hadn't dug it up on the internet I wouldn't have had any clue that I wasn't supposed to use tampons, have sex, use a hot tub, etc for a week. I also wouldn't have known that I should expect the "spotting" (holy understatement) to be gray or black nor did I know how long it was supposed to last. How would I have known that I should be keeping an eye out for excessive bleeding and signs of infection? I didn't even know what the signs of infection were! (Ok, well maybe I could have figured those out, but they shouldn't assume that) I also think I should have had to sign a consent for this, but I guess that's their problem. Along with worrying about the results, I think most of the reason I was so upset about the procedure was because I felt so disrespected. As if pelvic exams aren't demeaning enough. Once I talk to Dr. Pond I think I'll feel at peace about the whole thing.

In other news...

On Friday I saw Dr. Moore, my psychologist. I've definitely grown to like him and am comfortable talking about everything with him. On Friday we talked about my job and how I'm scared that once I'm healthy enough to return to work that I'll just crash again. I don't want to put all this effort into making progress just to have Biolife take it away. He asked me to explain why I felt that I would have a hard time returning to the center, so I went over how I felt strung along and how I perceived the management and working environment. He analyzed the situation perfectly (as psychologists do) - the number one issue I have with my job there is that I feel completely powerless. And powerlessness is not something that a person with my particular personality and disposition deals with well.

I'm not able to sit back and watch as my managers disrespect and abuse my coworkers and are so unethical and apathetic when dealing with things like safety. At the same time, however, speaking up only makes me a target for them. I'm not scared that I'll get fired, but I can certainly recognize that my work environment would suddenly become "less pleasant." This "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation is so stressful to me that I'm nothing short of miserable from the moment I walk in the back door. Even since I've been off work I find myself worrying about how horribly my co-workers are treated and feel somewhat responsible for how much harder they have to work since management refuses to do anything about our staffing shortage. Since I know that an improvement in my mood isn't going to change the dynamic of my work environment I'm plagued with anxiety about returning. But when I recognize that I'm feeling that way a part of me convinces my brain that I'm just trying to avoid having to work.

To my great relief, Dr. Moore immediately dismissed the idea that I'm trying to dodge having to work. He said his observations have shown that I am not the type that wants to sit at home without purpose, and he's right. Not being able to work makes me feel useless, so I busy myself with keeping the house clean or making sure our finances are managed appropriately or taking our cars in for maintenance or doing the grocery shopping...the list goes on. Anything I can find to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something for someone other than myself.

In addition to assuring me that he didn't think I was trying to avoid working, Dr. Moore told me something even more significant. After allowing me to explain the conditions at the center and the reasons I was so worried about returning, he told me I wasn't the first patient he had heard such things from. He'd heard from many people (some patients, some not) about the hostile working environment at Biolife and said I wasn't the only one that had such anxiety associated with the center and it's management. I can't explain how relieving it was to hear my feeling validated. He suggested that perhaps I should find a different job, but once I explained our situation with moving he agreed that quitting wasn't necessarily feasible. He said that he wouldn't recommend that I return to work until we've resolved my anger and angst toward my current employer, no matter if it took 20 minutes or 20 sessions. I think my sigh of relief was both audible and physically noticeable to him. I was so worried that my general improvement would force me to return to Biolife and ruin all of my progress. Wanting so badly to return to normal while concurrently being petrified of it is a contradiction that's very hard to sort out.


I still haven't called the center to "touch base" with them, but I don't care. Really, my health isn't any of their business. My human resource department placed me on FMLA and communicates with my short term disability company on whether or not to keep me there. So if the center's management can't figure out that HR handles this, well that's their problem. If they want an update, they can call HR. In fact, I believe that's their job and I don't feel like doing it for them.

There's that anger thing.

To end on a positive note, Joe and I (aka me - one of those things that makes me feel useful) are planning out the remainder of our time here and are excited about all of the things we're going to do. Not all of our dates are set in stone, as we're waiting for some confirmation on a couple of things, but this is our current version:
April 18-20: Visit Grayling
April 26-27: Visit my Mom at East Paint Lake
May 3: Graduation Party for some of Joe's fraternity brothers
May 5-9 or 10: I'm possibly going to visit my Grandmother and other family in Denver
May 10: Mary to take a bead class with sisters...PS, it's my birthday. If you need an address to send cards and gifts, just ask :)
May 16-18: Joe and I will drive to Grayling, then I'll carry on to Flint for Kristy's Bridal Shower.
May 22-26: Driving to North Carolina to house hunt, etc, with my brother Joe and his wife Sara
May 31-June 1: Possible date for Mackinac Island, depending on my Dad's schedule
June 7: Tentative date for a joint going away party, since Joe and Sara are going earlier than us
June 14-15: Back up date for Mackinac Island
June 13-15: Camping at Tahquamenon Falls
June 26-29: Visiting Grand Island with my Dad, Teri, and Joe's parents and brother
July 3-5: Fourth of July festivities in Gwinn, Little Lake, and Marquette
July 17-20: Travel to Kristy and Cason's wedding in Grand Blanc

So at this point, we really only have one or two open weekends for the next three months. About half of our dates are tentative as we try to coordinate with family, but that's the general idea. We're also planning on taking a pictured rocks cruise as well as a hike through Dead River Falls, but that will either be on a weeknight or on an open Sunday. All of our family members are invited to join us for any of these adventures. Hopefully our busy schedule won't be too wearing - most of our activities should be fairly relaxing.

We're both really excited to have actually made plans for all of the things we'd like to do before we leave. :)