Quick Update

I apologize in advance for my brevity, but I've been extremely busy. Here's the skinny on my life:

My last at Munson was peachy. Paul bought us all lunch, I said goodbye to everyone, and I went out on the town in TC with the girls from the lab (whom I'll miss very much). The next day we went to Lansing for Joe's Holiday Party and I had a very surprising amount of fun. They had a chocolate fountain out for dessert and I want one at the wedding.

I spent the first part of last week packing, mostly by myself, and feeling quite pissy about it. Joe and I got the uhaul, he loaded it, i cleaned the apartment, we threw the couch in the dumpster (which we're not sure was a legal move) and hit the road. We spent Wednesday night in Grayling where I had a hard time sleeping because I was worried about Molli in the garage (she was fine, I just wanted to sleep with her - ps the bed at Joe's parents was UNBELIEVABLY comfortable and now I'm very jealous). Thursday we made way for Marquette, taking a longer route to avoid weather. I got into town at about 3 pm and signed our lease/picked up keys. Joe rolled in half an hour later and dropped my POS car off at his work. Then we set out to unload the uhaul.

Joe was listening to his voicemail as he was lifting the gate on the back of the truck. His Mom had called to let him know his Grandfather had passed away (this was somewhat expected, not that it makes it easier). The funeral was planned for Monday and she really wanted him to come to Minnesota for it. As soon as Joe decided he would go there was never a question of whether I would go with him. So we attempted to get settled in the 24 hours we had in Marquette before the drive to Minnesota.

Joe did very well with the news. I expected it to suddenly hit him, but I think he just dealt with is all little by little. On Saturday, the day we were to meet Joe's dad in Escanaba to ride over to MN with him, I had an extremely hard day. It has been well over a year since I felt so unstable. When I was in my psych nursing class, we went over this mental health questionaire and some of the things that were supposed to make someone vulnerable to mental upset were moving, change of job, death of a family member, and change in personal realtionships. Check, check, check, check. I was a wreck.

I was sedated for the majority of the drive to Minnesota and was ready for bed the instant we got there. I felt like an absolute jerk being so upset (and crying for 20 minutes once Joe and I went to bed) when we were there for Grandpa Harry's funeral (whom I didn't get the chance to meet before he passed away). I felt like I didn't have what I refer to as a "safe spot" - a place that I knew I would be able to recenter and recover. I was aware of the fact that we no longer lived in TC, but I am just now starting to get the feeling we live in Marquette. I didn't have any place to depend on, if that makes sense. And then there's Molli.

I knew when we left TC that Molli didn't have long. We were planning on Superbowl weekend for her big nap. While we were in MN, she stayed with my Mom (who is probably the only person I would have been ok with - Molli needed someone she loved and someone who could take care of her - Grandma, RN to the rescue). My mom's excellent care aside, however, Molli got significantly worse and needed to take her big nap a lot sooner than planned (more on that later).

I struggled a LOT while we were away. It wasn't until Tuesday that I started to feel much better. I was on the verge of tears 90% of the weekend, but as most of my family and friends know, I'm a master at disguising this (there's a reason most people can't believe I'm bipolar). Almost everyday we were there it seemed like everyone was waiting on Joe and I to get somewhere - which is not because we were doing something dumb like making out or tickling each other or some other silly thing that we do all the time. It was because I was having a tough time with the simple things, like getting out of bed or putting my socks on.

I hate feeling that way. It scares the shit out of me. I lack the ability to be rational when I feel that way. I lack the ability to keep myself safe when I feel that way.

Turns out that all the medication I take and all the hours I spent in therapy are worth it, because I've managed to get back to feeling positive. For starters, I've taught myself how to cry in the past few years, which helps immensely. I've also managed to surround myself with a lot of very positive people. Joe's parents dropped us at our car in Escanaba on Tuesday, and as we exchanged our goodbyes Jack gave me a hug and told me Molli would go to heaven. Even though it made me cry, I think it was in that moment that I knew I would be able to handle her "big nap".