Thursday already?

I had no idea that today was Thursday already, but that's what day my pill container said it was so it must be true. It's strange - I feel like the time I've had off from work has both flown by and dragged on, all at once.

Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Kroll for a follow-up. Monday is the end of the two week period she wrote me to be off, but I have a feeling she'll extend it tomorrow. I'd like to go back to work, but I don't want to go back only to have this happen all over again. Joe suggested that I shouldn't go back until I stop having such severe anxiety any time we go somewhere, such as grocery shopping or out to dinner. I'll admit that he has a point. There's also the fact that I really haven't had any time with my therapist and the fact that my hands still shake most of the time. All these arguments aside though, I really just want to function at a normal level again.

I'm running out of stuff to do during the day. I did a lot yesterday, but I was allllll over the place. The stuff that took me all day long to do could have been accomplished in about 2 hours, but I was far too scattered. Yesterday was a very anxious day, but I'm really starting to consider Dr. Moore's suggestion that these periods might be hypomania. But while I think the pieces might fit the symptoms of a hypomanic episode, that doesn't really put me any closer to controlling them. I'll have to do some reading on how to treat such mixed symptoms, as I'm already on a mood stabilizer. It occurs to me from time to time that I'm far too undereducated about bipolar disorder.

I haven't told my mother this yet, but I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to continue seeing my current psychiatrist. Other than the ones at MGH, there are literally no other psychiatrists in Marquette. The only private doctor recently joined the inpatient staff when Dr. Von Grief retired. That's right, the last name of the doc on the psych ward was grief. I always found that hilarious. Anyway, of the 4 doctors at MGH's behavioral health department, 2 of them are addiction psychiatrists. So I'm seeing one of the 2 adult psychiatrists, and I'm not interested in seeing the other one. She's far far far too conservative with meds - I've known many bipolar patients of hers that she hasn't even put on a mood stabilizer. Not gonna fly with me. But I don't think that Dr. Kroll will a) want to and b) really be able to manage my medications. She's a wonderful doctor, but she's a family practitioner, not a psychiatrist. Specialties exist for a reason.

So I'm back to not seeing a psychiatrist until the 17th. I'm currently not on the schedule at work and they won't put me on it until I tell them to do so. Even without a doctor's note saying I'm unable to work I'm on a personal leave of absence - up to 16 weeks, no questions asked. After I deplete my sick and vacation time however, I won't get paid unless I'm on STD, which requires the doctor thing. I understand that I need to be off work right now, but I'm worried that my STD claim will get denied. I don't know why - there's no reason for them to deny it. But sometimes, when I'm at home and seem to be functioning ok I feel like I'm playing the system. And then I do something like spill soup because my hands tremble too much to keep it on the spoon. In the end I think the problem is I hate admitting weakness, something we're sure to address in therapy.

Today I'm going to make my Grandma a birthday card and start harassing our old landlords about our surety because they still haven't given it back. We moved out on the 25th of January, so they've had way over their 30 days. I'm also going to work on getting the paperwork for Joe's medical records to be released to Dr. Kroll's office so he can get a physical. I don't think he's had one since he was in sports in high school and everyone should really have one every year or so. Our insurance covers it 100%, and while I'm sure that I'm making our insurance worthwhile (even though the mental health coverage sucks), he should use it too.

Something else I'm pondering since my physical on Monday is the HPV vaccination. The PA brought it up and we discussed whether or not it was something I should consider. She said I fell into a gray area - I'm in the "at risk" age group, but I'm also married. That being said though, I still have the whole STD panel run every time I have the exam. As I told the PA, I have absolutely no reason to think I'll get an STD, but I also don't want to be naive and be convinced that my life will always be perfect. Plus, our insurance pays for that too. Blue Cross Blue Shield isn't going to make a dime off our premiums! I'm fairly certain that Blue Cross will cover the Gardasil series as well, so why not? I'll have to do some reading and think about it.